19.

Ive never laughed so much or cried so hard or been so stressed or had such a crazy good time all in once. I've never felt so free or felt so caged in as i have at 19. Im going to miss everything that i've gained and lost this year. I'm just gonna miss all of it. So much change with this new year for me.
Im going to miss us, all of us. Although I could see the past playing out in entirely different ways, as a mother, a bestfriend, a girlfriend, or even in a coffin, I am glad that this is the way it all turned out. Having to learn on my own what Life can throw at you, what i can survive, or what i need help with.
Its almost as though my life began at 19. That very first day on September 8. It all begun and all began to unravel. A month would go by, one a time, with so much much drastic change. It was as though i was experienceing an entire lifes worth of challenges.
There are a few moments that i look back and recall how speechless I am towards them. Oh the things i would tell myself if i could. So I will.
To the girl who fell in love so quickly and hopeful, "Dont change, it was never a mistake."
To the girl who chose friendship over herself, "Never again care for those who will NEVER put you first. Love them and believe them, but never their excuses. They will always find an excuse."
To the girl who saw in him what he did not, "Be prepared to have to be on your toes your entire life if you plan on staying. He doesnt even know or love himself, you wont be able to either."
To the girl who made the choice, "I know it was hard but you should of kept the baby. Doing it alone is better than living with the constant regret."
To the girl who tried to take her life, "It will get better, i promise.."

19 years old and so much to say. But its mostly goodbye now to the people and problems of the past. But I feel free and its a beautiful thing.

Drink Water But Not Enough To Drown.

Does it hurt to look or hurt to know? Or maybe rather hurt to see and never accept. I wake up to dreams I do not long to dream. I get up out of bed at the crack dawn, even though it seems like mintues ago that I was able to fall asleep. I shower the sleep out of my skin and head out the door before the sun has even touched the sky. Head to the bus stop and wait my turn, plug in and tune out. Get off and walk. Up the stairs, through the doors. Check in.
Off work. Thank God for my kind coworkers. Little do they know they saved my life today. Funny how a little company can bring you back from the brink of suicide. Everyone was concerned with absence the day before. Im glad someone cared. I only wish they could understand. Maybe then i wouldnt feel this way.

Let the devil linger on.

Ive tasted death more than once. Before on my lips and now on my tongue. In that shell, spinning spinning spinning. Sitting by a stranger, spinning to my death. "Great," I thought. This is how i will die. And when the world can to a halt once again, my emotions called by the adrenaline was still running through my veins. But that cross over, that cross to the other side, it woke me up. I was awake with dead blood.

I'm not of this world, so why should I leave my sanctuary. I'm back in a shell, but this time its mine and I'll be safe. Back to infinite potential. I'm comfortable in here. Why should i go out there where there is nothing but fear. I cant pretend to be like them anymore. I'm not that human being. So i have to leave. Take my shell and leave. Its bigger than all of us... Maybe that's why no one understand each other. This is something i have to do. Struggle is the enemy but growth is the remedy. I'm going home. I look up above and see that potential. I don't want to taste anything old upon my tongue.
Im trapped in my mind and i dont think I'll ever really go.

Answer.

I have never been one to hesitate and I have never been one to lie to myself. I would be lying to say that I wasn't scared. I'm terrified. This time not to die but to feel alive again. I'm scared to feel. But I will and now I welcome the day that the past year will be all a distant memory. The day will come when I can walk without fear that I might be retracing my steps. I will see without fear of seeing the truth and I will listen without fear of hearing poison. And I will speak without the fear of being heard.
So I will love you tomorrow with an unfaltering stability that has laid dormant for all this time. I will hold no grudges. I will and always have.

Slowing Down.

I never wanted it to feel like this, to be this way
I'm just afraid that if you stay, we'll never change
I never wanted it to be like this, to feel this way
I'm just afraid that if you stay, you'll hate me

Relapse.

I run around that house all the time, but never once have I run into him. Everyone makes sure of that. That we aren't in the same place at the same time. He loathes me. The very mention of my name makes the resentment inside boils up to the surface. It was just one summer ago that we were inseperapable but that was a different time now.
And now we are in the same car together. I sit next to him while he drives. The night makes his blue eyes all the more hard to read. My hands are trembling so I sit on them to hide my fear. I look over afraid of facing the hate but it's not there. It's gone, and in its place are soft hurt eyes, questioning me. His eyes searching mine looking for answers. "I need to tell you something," I whisper. I'm not sure if he heard me. "I didn't do it, I didn't send those ugly messages, I was never unfaithful to you, I never meant to hurt you, I didnt do it...." His brows knit together in a swell of emotion. He grabbed my hand. "I know now, I should of known from the beginning. I'm sorry," he replied. He pulled me over with his free arm, held me close, and kissed my hair. "I'm sorry," I kept repeating through tears. "Its okay Paulina. It's over now. You hav nothing to be sorry for. It was me," he said.
We drove for who knows how long. He talked on and on explaining all the whys. I zoned out, head resting on his lap while he stroked my hair. He was saying everything. He was being honest. Every now and then it because obvious that what he was admitting he was ashamed of but he said it anyways. He would stop and reach over and kiss me and I would pathetically let him. My strength to resist completely gone from the past few months. "God I really missed you," he'd say. He kept saying he was sorry and saying he wasnt going to hide anything anymore.
That's when I  knew something was off. Why was he finally saying all of this, why now? I sat up and looked out at the street we were going down and all I saw was a blinding white light and him whisper my name and then nothing.
-----
I wake up and my eyes fill with tears. I keep my eyes closed and pull the covers over my head in an attempt to hold onto that happiness for seconds more.

Act one, Scene one.

A happy memory will be the death of me. I wake up with no knowledge of the past but just a subtle remnant feeling that glows in the back of my mind. What is gone is not forever lost. What was yours will be once more. This dream did cause my nightmares scream for it could no longer be. I wake up alive and glad at that. I am finally free of my chains and intend on walking on.

Redemption.

Today was a day full of dreams. The realization of a fantasy, the death of a dream, and facing reality. With tears streaming down my face I said goodbye to my past and hello to a unknown future.
It's a strange feeling. I've always been afraid of losing the people i cared about. I had a fear of not being around the one i loved because i felt that as soon as they would leave my sight something would happen. I might lose them. I cant lose any more of them. Im down to the last one.
I need to stop thinking how could this happen to me and appreciate what i have.

A dream's a nightmares scream.
Night terrors might be fairer.
When reality holds the inability.
to keep its stability.
Sleepless Dreams can redeem,
the tired feeling of repetition.
Make me walk in circles.
Psycho babble bubbles
from underneath the water.
Memories i gather.
in a basket of resentment.
That all went with the love that kept
the fear underneath. abyss

Does that make sense?
It does to me.

Works of the Mind.

A few steps in the right direction were taken by yours truly today. They don't feel right but at least I know I wont be left. That's a little bit of grammatical humor for you. Is half a truth still truth? No it isn't. But is half a lie, half true? Well I'm not going to stick around to find out. Its best to dust off that little bit of pride I have and leave it behind with the dependency issues. Maybe not a new beginning but definitely a different ending. Am I making sense? I might be. Wait what are you doing here? Looking for answers? Well you're only going to find facts here and maybe some of my own personal answers for my own personal issues. I've learned recollecting will only re-collect the feelings that were left harbored. Not looking back is easier spoken than followed and since I am not feeling up to removing my eyes, I do what I can with the technology I have. So I've disconnect myself. I've learned not to look with my eyes but with my hands. For then I will know I am not seeing what I truly want to see but rather what is truly there. Ive learned to not think with my heart and leave my mind to feel. All systems go. Everything is back in its place. We have lift off. But sometimes I look out my tiny spherical window and think "Oh Captain, my Captain..." What the hell happened....

Testing Testing 123

Sometime you have to fight the urge. Even though no one is around and no one will find out, you have to fight the urge. Suppress it until you've forgotten the feeling entirely. Some things aren't meant to be felt or seen. To escape is to hide. I'm trying not to escape my problems. Silence is better. No it isn't. Lying to yourself is better than lying to others. Nope that's not working either. Stop making excuses. Dammit... I refuse to fall into the trap again. My life is finally pulling itself together. The bad things have finally been weeded out and the flowers placed into the ditches. Blah Blah Blah. Life will get better but right now it feels the same.

Wind in the Sails At Last.

Seconds tick by...
Minutes inch by...
Hours have flown....
Day and weeks pass without a backwards glance. Finally, months have wasted away with no change to show. Underneath the surface the waters are deep. The monsters are multiple, but break through to the surface and you'll find the mind numbing cold. The same wind that blows harshly cutting over the flat surface with nothing to challenge its path. It's all the same above water but what turmoil bubbles beneath the surface? Not even the ocean himself knows what it holds, not even the sea herself can control what happens within her. All it takes is one movement within and it all begin to set into motion.
It seems I've sailed upon a journey alone of late. Blown off course and lost a few along the way. Battered and a few leaks have sprung up here and there but continuing on. In search of what... that is something that has yet to reveal itself.
Out at sea, without any sign of others in sight a creature began to swim along side my boat. It brought along words of wisdom. "You are no alone. You are never alone. I am always here. Beneath the waters I reside. You wont always see me, but from you I will never hide. I am not meant to live above with mortal men but now I rise. Now I tell you this... Believe."
"Believe in what?" I cried out. But he was gone. The ripples on the surface the only proof he was ever here.
I'm embarking on a journey. There will be great times of joy and independence and times of deep sorrow and solitude but I must go on because one day I will look out onto the horizon and see home on some distant shore. I've learned that letting go is the only way to be free. I no longer flounder on the surface trying to breathe air that isn't meant for me, but plunge under the surface to places unknown. I am free because of the words I've been told.

Do you realize that istead of saying all of your goodbyes, realize that life goes fast, time to make the good things last.

I've held back for a while. Reasons? There are many but truth be told the strongest reason remains that I don't want you reading this. You so easily blocked me out and left and I can't stand the thought of you having access to my thoughts. Documenting all of it will be as if you get to share everything that's been happening like things haven't changed. You would get to witness all the up and downs without directly being affected by it.
Everything has been happening so fast. I've become so much more stable in my life. My emotions and thoughts are balanced. But no matter what plans, friends, or lovers are had to fill the void of your existence, nothing fits in quite like you did. I was destroyed at first. Coming home to a place that wasn't home. Walls covered in your writings, rooms filled with memories, songs filled with meaning. I didnt know how to live without you and I didn't care to know for a while. I was in disbelief in what was going on. It'd like being told that there is no such thing as gravity and all of a sudden you're thrown far into space before you can realize what's really going on. Left in a strange place without any sort of grip on reality. And then the anger. Oh the anger. I was furious with everyone. Anyone who would try to convince me that life was different now. That maybe it was for the best. They didn't understand. How could they I thought. They didn't. Then I was angry at you and resentful. Having to look at the words in my mirror how you wouldn't leave and how we could make it through everything. I tried to make sense of it but I couldn't. After my emotions settled, I was faced with the truth. You're gone. I miss you. That's all I know for sure. And I wonder when I see you one day, if I will be filled bitterness or love? Will my fists ball up or will I run to you with open arms? I don't know what my heart thinks and I don't know what my brain feels. All I know is you're gone and I miss you.

Solitude in Solitude.

The truth is. It varies. There are days where I feel so alive, it's as though anything is possible. Like I could literally jump off a building and hit the ground running into some mythical la la land where nothing hurts and people cant leave. I cherish every second and feel high off the very air I breathe. You wont be able to get me to stop smiling, you'll be able to tell when those days are. My mood is quite infectious.
Then there are the other days, or nights I should say. Those nights are indescribable to say the least. Rock bottom would be welcomed on those nights. I feel literally nothing. Not sadness, not happiness. I'm not indifferent and nor do I care. Empty would be the perfect word if there were any. Those nights I spend alone in my room trying to find some sort of distraction to put my mind off the lack of emotion. If i tried to cry I wouldn't be able to. I'll sit in front of my mirror staring into my eyes looking for something, some kind of answer or realization or I'll lay back on my floor staring up at the ceiling and just swim in my thoughts. Hours will pass unknowingly and morning light will start to peek through my window.
That's the one thing that stops my stupor. The morning light. That seems to be the only thing that comforts me enough to finally crawl into my cold bed and fall into the hands of dreams. Strange thing was that one night last week that didn't even stop me. I went two morning lights without sleep. My body didn't crave or receive sleep or nourishment for over 48 hours and I was fine. That scared me. But the following night I was able to calm my mind enough to go to sleep at around 4 am and the usual cycle continued once again.
Sometimes I wished I had a better reason as to why I'm depressed. It could be because I was molested by an older cousin for over three years when I was a child. It could be because of my parent messy divorce and fathers addiction to meth and stints in and out of jail. It could be because I got pregnant when I was 19 to a guy who was going back and for between me and my bestfriend. It could be for many reasons scattered around my past and possibly some predestined to be in my future. But it's not. Actually those things didn't really have much of an effect on me. And that scared me. Which triggered me to become depressed and nobody noticed the lack of emotion for the situations present because I was depressed by my lack of depression. It's not human to not be bothered by those kind of things. Yet I am overly sensitive to certain things like rejection.
I don't need more reasons to be depressed. No parental figure. No job. No car. No school. No friends. No future.... The problem is these aren't the reasons as to why I am depressed. I dont know why and I'm afraid of the fact that I don't know. What if the underlying reason is so monstrous that I wont be able to do anything about it? Or what if it turns out to be practically nothing, then I'll feel as though I've wasted so much time on such a juvenile emotion. I'm afraid of that unknown. Which causes me to sink deeper into depression.
It'd odd because when I am surrounded by chaos I feel at home. I feel comforted that I am not in solitude in my solitude. I don't wish it upon anyone but I am comforted by it. When I'm surrounded by happy people and happy music I feel as though I am being mocked. I will criticize people who are in an attempt to break down their realities.
Its odd because in highschool if you missed a day, everyone would freak out. You'd get about 7 messages by lunch all saying, "Hey where are you?" "Why weren't you in 1st period?" but in the real world, the outside world, if you miss a day, nobody really misses you. In fact, somebody has already replaced you. All your duties and jobs. Everything goes on smoothly without even a slight hiccup. To tell you the truth I kind of miss those days.
Sometimes I feel like dying. Let me clarify. I do not feel like dying. I merely feel like it would be better if I stopped living. This is when I feel as though it would be the appropriate time for a friend to call and notice that something might possible be bothering me and attempt to help. Problem is... I don't have many friend. I have one and I'm sure she is sleeping soundly. I don't want to wake her. So nobody calls. Then I think maybe I should save myself. How do I go about doing that? Hmmm maybe by calling someone who's job it is to save people. What's the number for the suicide hotline? I'm halfway typing in the information on google and realize how pathetic I'm being. What am I 13 years old? Slit my wrists and black my eyes? Fuckk...  This is depressing. I just depressed myself out of a suicide. Me taking my life is pathetic. I don't see it that way. Its not like I want to take my life. It feels like it has already been taken from me and just my thoughts and a form to hold them has been left behind.
I would rather live. But I'm not living. So what kind of limbo am I stuck in? A cycle of illusion, expectation, let down, and realization.

Falling Slowly.

I don’t know what to do. I’m on the verge of an... I don’t know what. I am quite restless. My mind is under immense pressure and my heart feels like it’s going to burst forth through my chest. My hands are shaking and I can’t keep focus on anything long enough to be productive. There are not proper words to define the gravitas of this feeling. Overwhelming? No. Anything said feels like an overdramatized childish outburst. It’s more of a struggle of suppression. A break that I’m fighting. The wall I have built has long since worn down from the years of turmoil that have plagued my heart. The water has broken through and poured out into uncaring hands. Thoughts are like water, a force that can’t be contained. The more you try to grasp on the faster it runs out and away through your fingertips. I am reaching out, I am reaching reaching. For what, I don’t know. I am a blind man stumbling in a dark room looking for a black cat. Pointless challenges that just make every daily task so much more complex. I live for the challenge but there is only so long I can cross this desert alone without some small oasis of relief where I can take shelter in for a while. I want the oasis. I've seen the waters but I must have imagined it all. I must have imagined. I’m trapped in a hopeless situation that just cycles from explanation to exasperation to questions.
I feel like if I’m not moving forward I will spontaneously combust. I need to enkindle and arouse what has been inactive in me so long. My old acquaintances no longer hold any sort of happy sentiment. They no longer hold me up but they hold me down. If I stay like this I will surly exsanguinate my mind and my passion. My original design left abandoned.
What am I to think of it all, for I am not to know?
Am I to lockdown?
I’m fully submerged in you but it seems the vibe is wrong. So I try to swim away but it’s like a trying to fight a vortex. So I don’t fight it. I refuse to live in denial of myself. Change will happen. You can fight it and it will happen regardless. Like an avalanche, change will swallow you if you don’t accept it and prepare for it.  I can’t wait for life. I've realize I’m only wasting time if I stay here glued down to the ground. I've broken free. I was blind but now I see and I will make the most of it. With open arms and open eyes.

“Only god knows if I’ll be with you. Baby I’m confused. You choose.
Where I want to go I don’t need you, I’ve been down this road to many times before I’m not loving you the way I wanted to, so keep your love lockdown.”

Recollecting is only going to collect your regret again.

I looked down at my plate in shock. I actually finished my food. I’m proud of myself. Smiling I look up at Jess who is busy on her phone. The restaurant around us is busy for a Wednesday. I can’t see without my glasses but refuse to put them on in case Travis, who happens to be our server, comes back.
"So I have to talk to you about Minnesota. I’ve been thinking about it seriously and I want to know how you feel about it," she asks. Her eyes say it all. They look concerned and scared, pleading almost.
"Well you got to do what you want to do. If moving there is going to help you then go," I say.
"But what about you," she asks.
"What about me? I’m going to be here. Don’t worry about me."
"But I do worry about you," she replies. "What will you do?"
"I will survive. I’ll go on living. I’m more worried about you being out there and needing me."
Her brows furrow in frustration. "I’m just scared of something happening to you and me not being there. It would kill me,” she cries.
I sigh. I know I will find some way of dealing with her absence. Truth is I’m scared of what will really happen if she leaves but I know she has to go. If it were me I would pack my bag and run without a backward glance. Goodbye California. My home and my hell. I look up at her and realize that I would never leave her. I would take her with me where I went. What kind of person would I be if I left her when she needed me the most?
"I can go with you," I blurt out. "I mean, I wish I could go with you." I don’t want her to leave me. She’s honestly all I have. She looks at me pensively. "I knew you’d be willing. You’re my constant and I am yours. I don’t want that to be jeopardized." "We can figure something out," I say.
I look out the window and gaze longingly out at the night. I don’t know what to do with my life at this point. I’ve been left so many times by friends, lovers, and by my father. I don’t want to be left behind anymore. I’m thinking of David again. I don’t understand why he left me. It kills me every moment of everyday. I put every ounce of myself into loving someone and it’s not enough. I can deal with that, but the fact that I was never given some kind of explanation. Why? Leave me but tell me why. Too much too soon. Forget it Paulina. That was so long ago, you have fresher problems that have surfaced.
Is this what it has come to? This mind numbingly hopelessness. I’ve given every part of me away hoping for some kind of relief from the loneliness. All of this potential has gone to waste. It’s so sad. But thinking about it won’t make it better. It’s so tragic that you can never fully understand me and my motives or my intentions and yet you think you do. You are so sadly mistaken Matthew. Your name. I’ve said it. It tears at my sanity. It’s nothing you did but everything you said. The ideas that you have planted in my head have settled and grown. Once an idea has taken hold of your brain it is impossible to eradicate.
The subconscious is motivated by emotion. And I know you aren’t the stone hearted man you pretend to be. I’m just in disbelief of your every day monotonous faked personality. Because I’ve seen the other side. I’ve never seen you act that way before, totally exposed. And the imagine of it has struck a chord with me and stayed. I don’t believe in your repressed emotionlessness. Positive emotion trumps negative emotion every time. And that’s why you break. I’ve seen that break through only a few times but I know it’s down there. I know you fight it. I’m not saying you’re fighting me. I just know you’re fighting something and I wish you wouldn’t. The untapped potential is something I cannot even begin to contemplate because I’ve never met anyone like you. And this is all your mind. I could care less about the outer skeleton; it is your mind that has me so enthralled, so trapped. You mustn’t be afraid to dream bigger darling. You keep telling yourself what you know. But what do you believe, what do you feel? It’s like you locked something away. So far away, intended for protection but you’ve forgotten the real reason why it’s there. You chose to forget that truth in you. That truth can define or destroy you depending on how you deal with it, and you have it caged inside you, until it bursts through angry and demanding. But I know nothing will change. You are stubborn. Who are you really? I've seen a side of you I don’t understand. I try and you ridicule me for even thinking that you have more than one impenetrable dimension. I know there is more than you let on. I don’t know you but I know there is more to you. And I’m wondering if you’ve been real with me at all?
I return to my tea and realize Jessica has been watching me.
"Why do you torture yourself Paulina?"
"I don’t know. To reminisce on the past helps me."
"How so?"
"Because when I think about everything, his mind is still with me. And I can’t forget the things I regret. To accept that it’s finite means I can’t change it anymore. It means I’m powerless."
She accepts this answer, I’m not sure if she understands but it satisfies her. She doesnt know what him I refer to. She never does. She tries to advise me and I want to believe her but I honestly have lost my feeling in anything. I have lost the motivation for anything but answers.
"Can I get you anything else darling?" Travis had come up from behind me. He is such a great guy and Jessica is convinced that he likes me. "More tea please," I say. As he walks away he winks and I smile at him. If only people and their ideas were as easy to erase from your minds as a file. I could just press the refresh button and start off new. I’m so fucked up in the head right now, I don’t know if I could be with him even if I tried.

Remember Me.

Did you forget? Did you forget what it feels like? What I feel like?
It’s not my expectations that were let down because I didn’t expect you to stay. I just didn’t think you would deny what was obviously there at one point. It was my trust in your honesty that was let down. I don’t want to say your name. I’m trying to just forget it all. To speak your name, rejuvenates the pain.
Jess is lying next to me on my bedroom floor. I can feel her breathing deeply besides me. I can see the glistening trail that the tears left behind on her cheek. Disappointment. It’s a common feeling we share too often. I want to comfort her but how can I even try to make sense of her problem when I can’t even begin to explain mine. So we lay in silence looking up at the ceiling waiting for god knows what.
"I’m tired of being taken advantage of. I’m always going to be there for him and he knows that," she says. "He just uses me when he needs me and when I reach out to him I get treated like I never mattered." Jesus this is why I love her. I see so much of me in her. She is my reflection. What I can’t see happening to me, I can see happening to her.
"What do I say," she repeats. "I don’t know Jess," I sigh. "I would say the truth but we both know he either shuts down or runs from conflict, but you can’t keep pretending that everything is okay," I add.
I lay there getting lost in my own thoughts. He and I had both been careless. I know my reasons why and but I don’t remember when I lost control. I just know that I woke up one morning and I had dreamt of him. I had always been able to control my dreams. Always. And now my subconscious created him every night. If he treated me like a disease during the day why didn’t his memory avoid me at night? I’m just stuck on the fact that I tried to just be there to help him above all else and now I feel like the enemy. I handed over so much to him so fast; I didn’t even realize it and I don’t think he did either, that’s how everything I have handed over got taken for granted. He does find value in my being there because I can honestly say I had been easy company. Eager to please him. It’s all a matter of convenience at this point. I am no longer easy to have in his life.
"You should try talking to him," she says to me. She can always see what’s bothering me. I’ve stopped even pretending around her. "There’s no point, the let down would be too great. The risk of losing the last bit of pride is too much. That last shred of self-respect." We continue our pointless conversation about the difference between what should happen and what does happen and then she has to leave.
When it comes down to it, all I really want to know is he was real with me at all? Doors were opened and lines were crossed. And now I’m wondering if it was all a figment of my imagination.

Strangers.

The bus stop. Some of my most pensive moments have been spent here or on my ride home. I have approximately 47 minutes to think about everything. I dread it. I don’t want to think. So I plug in my IPod and tune out the worldly sounds. Its chilly out and the cars zooming by don’t make my cough any better. I haven’t been in this part of town for a while. Definitely reminds me of the past.
I wish I never did it. I wish I never started talking to him. I’m sitting here driving myself crazy thinking about all those memories. Those long walks together and long nights alone. Those sweet three words said so much. We were moving too fast and there’s no taking back everything that happened. And then there are those late night conversations that poisoned my thoughts with promise.
If you could get into my mind I’m sure you’d be confused because there are two hims lodged in my head. It sounds terrible. I am aware but that’s life. Some scars are fresher than others. Some promises broken before others. The thing I regret the most is losing the friend I had in him. To tell you the truth I think he was seduced by me more than anything else. I wasn’t doing anything. I was being honest to myself and my impulses. If morality was a law then I surely am a convict. I think he hated how much he was drawn to me. He couldn’t help but want to be with me when I was around him and I can’t blame him. It was the same for me. Those blue eyes made me melt. Two sets of blue eyes that have left me in this wreck. He doesn’t speak to me I’m sure because he can’t control himself. Maybe it was a good choice to leave me then. I just wish there was some kind of warning. Men should come with warning signs. The things that they are capable of written on their backs. I wish I knew the reason why he left. He never said why. He just stopped one day and it was like everything that I was sure was there was just a figment of my hopeful imagination.
I know the routine. "I’m nothing like the guy before," they all say. "I’m different. I don’t lie." It makes me laugh and I play along and eventually I’m caught off guard and I find myself alone with him, believing him, and relying on him. I just can’t explain it. I want someone to be stable in my life and genuine.
The more that I try to erase you from my mind, the more you appear. You were an idea planted in my head and encouraged to grow by my loneliness. But you’ve gone rogue. I can’t control my thoughts anymore. If I can’t control myself then what can I control? That’s a scary thought. The bus is there. I find a seat in the back without really looking and rest my head against the cold glass window. The countdown begins. 47 minutes to hell. All I can do is hope when I get home is that I’ll be left alone.
I was talking to Jess today about how I was worried that I might unknowingly have some kind of eating disorder. "I would be worried if it wasn’t for the fact that I’ve seen you eat big meals, you just haven’t eaten much lately." This is true. For some reason I just haven’t had an appetite. Even looking at food makes me sick. It’s been a few months now that I skip eating. Sometimes I forget and other times I’m just scared to eat. I wish I could. I really do but every spoonful of food I put in my mouth is a potential exhausting pain spell. "You must be allergic." "You might not be eating in a regular pattern." "Do you have trouble keeping food down," all the doctors have asked. No it’s just pain and nothing else. I’ve had blood work, tests, and MRIs done but the results show nothing. "We can’t figure out what the problem is, you’re just going to have to come back and keep trying." Story of my life.
I couldn’t run away from my problems even if I wanted to because I know deep down inside that I might be the problem. I deny myself so much because I want to believe that I don’t need anyone else besides myself but I don’t fool me. I know I’m in need of something.
The man sitting across from me is staring at me. I realize I’ve been focusing motionless straight ahead since I got on. I can tell he is intrigued by me. My face has been blank and stony for.... the clock above me says 28 minutes. I turn slowly and make eye contact with him. He smiles timidly, surely embarrassed that he’s been caught but my emotion doesn’t change. I continue to stare him down. His body gets tense and he buries his face back into the newspaper on his lap.
What do people see when they see me, I wonder? Because when I look at my reflection, I see a stranger gazing back at me.

Caught of Guard.

"It's almost check-out time," I hear him say. I'm still half asleep but I assume it must almost be noon. I open my eyes a slit and see Jessica on my side typing away on her laptop. Probably writing about something that's on her mind. Matt is still in the room, so I just place my hand on her lap as a gesture to comfort her. I love this girl I really do. Sometimes I reach out and feel her arm, just to feel that she's really there besides me and I'm not dreaming. I like to know that shes there.
Ugh my throat feels like shit, I shouldn't of stayed up talking so late. I'm running on less than 4 hours of sleep and have the flu. I need to start taking care of myself.
"Hey so I'm gonna head out now," he says. Finally. Sounds mean but I've been wanting it to be Jess and me ever since Edgar left late last night. He was so quite towards the end. Who knows what was on his mind. "Okay we'll we are gonna check out in like 20 mins anyways," she says. I sit up and give him a half-assed hug and lock the door behind him. I can't stop coughing so I heat up whatever was left in my cup from the night before. The hot liquid calms my aching throat. Ahh... Much better.
"What was I saying last night?" she says. Hmmm I don't really remember. Pessimistic stuff. The booze had got her talking and lately because of life, she's only had bad things to talk about. "Just about always being the friend and how people always lie Jess. Not a big deal." "Hmm at least I didn't say his name." "Yeah I know, at least we both didn't."
In the car, I flip open the mirror and look at my bloodshot eyes. Damn I guess I'm gonna wear sunglasses for my lunch with Travis. Jess and I talk about everything that happened and Matt's friend Carlos that we met last night. Tea at Starbucks for 3 bucks and then we are on our way.
Hanging out with Travis, is always such a good distraction. He always babies me and takes care of me when I'm not feeling to well. We sit in the sun trying to soak up some extra warmth. Halfway through our conversation Justin and Crystal pull up next to our table. She's on lunch and Justin, being the loyal boyfriend that he is, is spending it with her. I haven't seen them in a while.
"Its almost 3:30 babe, I gotta go back," she says. They leave us and we decided to go get something to eat before Travis has to go to work. All the while inside waiting for our food, I keep looking behind my shoulder. He doesn't notice. I'm pretty good at acting normal. I seem to have him convinced. I'm paranoid that I might run into him. It's happened before and it can't happen now because I'm so close to relapse I feel nauseous.
"Finish your food," he smiles at me. I look down at my half eaten food and feel sickened. I haven't eaten in two days but I'm still not hungry. "I'm full," I lie with a smile. I bat my lashes and put the leftovers away. "Lets go, I'll drop you off at Justin's." I sigh. I really hope I don't relapse from all the memories that have been left scattered around that house. "Sounds great, I haven't been over there in a while," I say. There's a good reason why I haven't been over there.

Words of Encouragement.

"Hey is she asleep?" "Hey Jess you up? Yeah she out. Whats up Matt?" He has definitely had too much to drink, I can hear it in his voice. People speak the truth when they don't think anyone is listening. This night didn't turn out as I had planned. Jess is asleep on my lap after a long night of drinking and self destructive talk and now Matt is opening up to me since the liquor has loosened his lips.
"You know the only reason I wanted to join the Marines is because I had a self suicide wish. I have nothing going for me here. Everything I do, nothing."
Why is he telling me this? I think because I'm just here.
"I've been there. I was contemplating going for a while because I needed something in my life that was going to work out. Some focus." I don't know what to tell him. He's obviously reached that point where he wants to talk about life and its many disappointments. He needs words of encouragement. I'm not the right person for this at the moment. He's still talking. He's telling me his life story. "We grew up together, gunshot to the head, September 15, 2010. If I could take his place I would." "I'm sorry," I say softly. I don't have words to make untimely death sound better. "Life isn't fair Matty, I'm so sorry. You know the beautiful thing about life is that it is so fragile. Thats why you cant spend your time thinking about all the bad and focus on the hope that things have to improve at some point. Not because of luck or karma, but just because eventually they have to."
I am trying to convince him of this as much as i try to convince myself. We are sitting in the dark so i cant see him but i can hear him sniffing. He's crying. I get up and find my way to a tissue box and toss it on his bed. "What's this for," he asks. "I heard you sniffling. Its okay." "I have allergies," he lies. "Okay. Well you still need tissues for allergies." If hes going to try and pretend he's fine then i wont embarrass him. He continues to talk. I must admit I'm not really listening. I'm thinking of him again. He's been on my mind for days. Thats why I've been numbing my thoughts with drinks. I've been thinking of him...

Limitless.

The alcohol didn't hit me until i sat down to dinner. I felt odd.  I was either laughing a little too hard and too loud or sitting motionless staring transfixed. I ordered too much food. I wasn't going to eat it, but i ordered it anyway. When my hot tea arrived i poured the rest of the booze i had brought into it and finally started to tune into what everyone was talking about.
"Katie was traumatized by what she saw on her phone." Oh fuck. I know this story. Why are they talking about this? I don't want to hear it. But i have to pretend like oblivious to it. "Everyone knows their dating, I don't know why they deny it. Ive asked her and she still denies it," Edgar laughs. "Well they did at one point who knows if they still are," Matt adds. Yeah they still are. I know its official but i sit in silence staring at my food. Jess gives me a look, she knows something is up and I just shove food into my mouth to silence the scream that almost escaped.
I need to forget that any of it ever happened. I need a distraction. He was my distraction. Too good of a distraction i guess. Well job done, now i need a new distraction... Why is everybody getting up?
"Come on Paulina." Its Jess. "We're going to the movies." I pour the rest of my drink back into the cup i brought and get up.
"So what are we going to do now Jess?" "I dont know. What do you guys want to do guys?" "Movies?" Yeah movies" I dont want to watch a movie. "Hotel?" Jess says. A light goes of in my head. That sounds like a perfectly deviant idea. "Lets go," I smile grabbing her arm. Looks like tonight is going to be a perfect distraction.

Monotony.

Ive reached a place in my life where i just want to be left alone. I dont want to be bothered with what people my age are suppose to be doing. I dont wake up at a reasonable time and i dont sleep at a reasonable time.
Im constantly tired, just tired of everything and everyone. Story of everyones life right.
I hate the people i should love and the love the people i should hate. I realized this late last night and it has honestly kept me thinking since then.
I woke up to knocks on my door. "Paulina, half the day is gone wake up." Its my mom. Ugh. I shove my hand under my pillow and pull out my ipod to check the time. No messages. Its 10am. That is hardly half the day. She always does this. I mumble something about being sick and roll over and stare at the celing until i fall asleep again.
I wake up. Dreams are just another thing i regret. I regret their accuracy and clarity. I stay in bed long after i wake up. Just staring at the ceiling, trying to make sense of everything thats been going on. Trying to figure out what the day might hold in store for me. Its quite depressing if you look around. My room was spotless a few days ago but since i came home ive just been peeling my clothes off, dropping them on the floor and crawling into bed. i dont sleep. I spend most of my time in this room. If you saw it youd probably think all i do is read books, drink tea, light candles and write. Theres a lingering smell of alcohol in the air. Shit i should probably open the windows.
The skys dark outside. The weather is reflecting my mood. Great its going to be one of those days. Oliver crawls out of his bed as soon as he sees im opening the window. He stretches and hops onto my bed and looks out the window. He does this every morning. I think hes hoping that maybe today he will be able to escape through the front door and go play with his friend. Hes been getting out lately. He always comes back. I dont scold him because i feel guilty about the fact that ive been neglecting him so much. Maybe i should walk him, yeah i should. I know i wont.
I check the time again. Shit 3pm 4 new messages. I need to get up and get out of this room.
Downstairs everyone is running around busy doing things, like it really matters. I ignore their good afternoons and scolding looks about the time. They know better than to expect a response. The fridge is empty and the stove is a mess of the evident feast everyone had this morning. Eggs and toast for me it is. As soon as everyone is out of the kitchen i pour some vodka in a mug and make myself some strong peppermint tea. This is the only way im going to make it through today.
I check my ipod. Jess wants to go to a late dinner. I just had breakfast, but i say yes. Maybe she can get me out of this funk. "Is everything okay," she writes. I feel guilty but I cant muster up the energy to be convincing enough to say im fine. "We can talk later, dont worry about it," i reply.
Travis wants to know how my weekend was. Can i even begin to explain what happened? No i cant, plus id rather not get into it with him. "We can talk tomorrow after school," he says. I guess im going to school tomorrow. "Yeah sure."
Showering is always the best part of my day. Ever since Matt and Judy told me about how showering in the dark is more like an experience i decided to try it and ive been stuck ever since. I usually stand there for a long time before i begin to do anything. The water beats all the impurities out of my head.
The mirror is all fogged up. I insisted on showering with the hottest water i could stand. I look in the mirror and see my blurred figure. I feel my body under my wrinkled finger tips and wish i was thinner. I look at my ipod. Shes almost here to pick me up and Mattys with her. Fuck I got to go. Hope it goes well.

Late Night Conversations become Late Breakfast Deliberations.

It seems I have no words left. I’ve been left uninspired to strive. My motivation has been shot because of what I allowed myself to say the night before. I often come close to the edge but thank god she’s there to pull me back.
"It’s not worth it Paulina," she repeats. But I had thought it was. So as she holds me in her arms trying to keep me grounded, my imagination begins to wander on all the possible different reasons as to why last night turned out the way it did. I play out all the scenarios and roads I could have taken. All of the different questions I could have posed, should have posed, to satisfy the ebbing hunger in my soul.
It’s quite comical how put together I can appear to be, while all the while I am in complete shambles inside.  I get up and wipe away the few tears than I had allowed to escape and fix myself up until I look in the mirror and deem that I look as perfect as humanly possible as I can get for the current occasion. It sounds vain. I am aware, but I allow myself this major flaw to make up for the lack of self-esteem I have been feeling of late.
She catches me gazing into the mirror longer than it is deemed normal. "Are you okay?" she asks. I gaze longingly into the mirror one last time. Always looking into my own eyes, searching for god knows what, and then, giving up, I turn to her. "Yeah I’m fine," I say with a faint smile. But she knows the hidden secret because the smile never reaches my eyes. "No you’re not. What’s wrong..." I sigh. Sounding sad and tired, I remember how much she has on her plate at the moment. I feel selfish immediately. She knows me too well. Or maybe I want her to ask me and comfort me. Who knows. "It’s fine Jess. I’m fine." I’m not. We both know it but she's not one to talk because she’s not fine either, but sometimes we don’t like talking about it. I’m sure she senses its one of those times now, so we pretend.
 I pour myself a drink and settle in besides to her and rest my head on her soft shoulder. "I love you," I say. "I love you too," she says.