"It’s not worth it Paulina," she repeats. But I had thought it was. So as she holds me in her arms trying to keep me grounded, my imagination begins to wander on all the possible different reasons as to why last night turned out the way it did. I play out all the scenarios and roads I could have taken. All of the different questions I could have posed, should have posed, to satisfy the ebbing hunger in my soul.
It’s quite comical how put together I can appear to be, while all the while I am in complete shambles inside. I get up and wipe away the few tears than I had allowed to escape and fix myself up until I look in the mirror and deem that I look as perfect as humanly possible as I can get for the current occasion. It sounds vain. I am aware, but I allow myself this major flaw to make up for the lack of self-esteem I have been feeling of late.
She catches me gazing into the mirror longer than it is deemed normal. "Are you okay?" she asks. I gaze longingly into the mirror one last time. Always looking into my own eyes, searching for god knows what, and then, giving up, I turn to her. "Yeah I’m fine," I say with a faint smile. But she knows the hidden secret because the smile never reaches my eyes. "No you’re not. What’s wrong..." I sigh. Sounding sad and tired, I remember how much she has on her plate at the moment. I feel selfish immediately. She knows me too well. Or maybe I want her to ask me and comfort me. Who knows. "It’s fine Jess. I’m fine." I’m not. We both know it but she's not one to talk because she’s not fine either, but sometimes we don’t like talking about it. I’m sure she senses its one of those times now, so we pretend.
I pour myself a drink and settle in besides to her and rest my head on her soft shoulder. "I love you," I say. "I love you too," she says.
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