Whos bed is this?

This is the last bed I want to wake up in. These are the last lips I wish to kiss. Sometimes life doesn't work out that way but I hope, to whatever God is listening, that this time I do get what I want. The smell of cigarettes and sex linger in the air and have been lingering on my clothes from the moment we met.

"Look over there," I say to Jess. I point past all the drunken frat looking bros and my gaze settled on him. Tattoos, nose piercing, a kind face and a cigarette. Just what I needed. "I want that one," I say as I walk past her into the party. 

"Can I have a light?" I say with my coyest of smiles. I see his eyes take me in and linger on where my tight jeans and ripped shirt expose my pale skin. "Sure," he says as he extends his lighter. I lean in long enough to let it burn and turn away without another word. Let him wonder.

Jessica is smiling at me when I approach her because she already knows my cat and mouse game. She waves her hand at me, "I need a light too." "Fuck, I have to ask again?" I laugh. "You know I cant walk up to people like you," she says with a grin and a push in his direction. I sauntered my way over again, pretending to be interested in what was around me. He's looking straight at me and his friend is now too. He knows what I want. "First one is free is," he says with a smile, "Second one you got to light yourself." I laughed out loud at this point, at the fact that a total stranger, a totally my type stranger, just challenged me. "My name is Paulina, by the way," I say with a confident flick of the lighter and deep inhale. "I'm Wesley," he says. Wesley. What a lovely name. 

Oh it's been a while.

He likes me but he likes drugs too. I shouldn't even say too, I should say more because it's true. The life of an addict is an emotional paranoia filled roller coaster. It starts like your first high. Spreading through your body with such intensity that it unsettles you. You allow yourself to be pulled in and overwhelmed to escape your reality. Unknowingly you walk into a hellish prison of addiction. You spend days together. No sleep, just obsessive need for the other. Then when you can't take it anymore you run away and cleanse yourself till your craving comes back. You miss the warmth of the body. You miss the distraction of your misery. The life of an addict is like a black hole. It's a cycle that just gets deeper and darker until you disappear completely.

19.

Ive never laughed so much or cried so hard or been so stressed or had such a crazy good time all in once. I've never felt so free or felt so caged in as i have at 19. Im going to miss everything that i've gained and lost this year. I'm just gonna miss all of it. So much change with this new year for me.
Im going to miss us, all of us. Although I could see the past playing out in entirely different ways, as a mother, a bestfriend, a girlfriend, or even in a coffin, I am glad that this is the way it all turned out. Having to learn on my own what Life can throw at you, what i can survive, or what i need help with.
Its almost as though my life began at 19. That very first day on September 8. It all begun and all began to unravel. A month would go by, one a time, with so much much drastic change. It was as though i was experienceing an entire lifes worth of challenges.
There are a few moments that i look back and recall how speechless I am towards them. Oh the things i would tell myself if i could. So I will.
To the girl who fell in love so quickly and hopeful, "Dont change, it was never a mistake."
To the girl who chose friendship over herself, "Never again care for those who will NEVER put you first. Love them and believe them, but never their excuses. They will always find an excuse."
To the girl who saw in him what he did not, "Be prepared to have to be on your toes your entire life if you plan on staying. He doesnt even know or love himself, you wont be able to either."
To the girl who made the choice, "I know it was hard but you should of kept the baby. Doing it alone is better than living with the constant regret."
To the girl who tried to take her life, "It will get better, i promise.."

19 years old and so much to say. But its mostly goodbye now to the people and problems of the past. But I feel free and its a beautiful thing.

Drink Water But Not Enough To Drown.

Does it hurt to look or hurt to know? Or maybe rather hurt to see and never accept. I wake up to dreams I do not long to dream. I get up out of bed at the crack dawn, even though it seems like mintues ago that I was able to fall asleep. I shower the sleep out of my skin and head out the door before the sun has even touched the sky. Head to the bus stop and wait my turn, plug in and tune out. Get off and walk. Up the stairs, through the doors. Check in.
Off work. Thank God for my kind coworkers. Little do they know they saved my life today. Funny how a little company can bring you back from the brink of suicide. Everyone was concerned with absence the day before. Im glad someone cared. I only wish they could understand. Maybe then i wouldnt feel this way.

Let the devil linger on.

Ive tasted death more than once. Before on my lips and now on my tongue. In that shell, spinning spinning spinning. Sitting by a stranger, spinning to my death. "Great," I thought. This is how i will die. And when the world can to a halt once again, my emotions called by the adrenaline was still running through my veins. But that cross over, that cross to the other side, it woke me up. I was awake with dead blood.

I'm not of this world, so why should I leave my sanctuary. I'm back in a shell, but this time its mine and I'll be safe. Back to infinite potential. I'm comfortable in here. Why should i go out there where there is nothing but fear. I cant pretend to be like them anymore. I'm not that human being. So i have to leave. Take my shell and leave. Its bigger than all of us... Maybe that's why no one understand each other. This is something i have to do. Struggle is the enemy but growth is the remedy. I'm going home. I look up above and see that potential. I don't want to taste anything old upon my tongue.
Im trapped in my mind and i dont think I'll ever really go.

Answer.

I have never been one to hesitate and I have never been one to lie to myself. I would be lying to say that I wasn't scared. I'm terrified. This time not to die but to feel alive again. I'm scared to feel. But I will and now I welcome the day that the past year will be all a distant memory. The day will come when I can walk without fear that I might be retracing my steps. I will see without fear of seeing the truth and I will listen without fear of hearing poison. And I will speak without the fear of being heard.
So I will love you tomorrow with an unfaltering stability that has laid dormant for all this time. I will hold no grudges. I will and always have.

Slowing Down.

I never wanted it to feel like this, to be this way
I'm just afraid that if you stay, we'll never change
I never wanted it to be like this, to feel this way
I'm just afraid that if you stay, you'll hate me