Monotony.

Ive reached a place in my life where i just want to be left alone. I dont want to be bothered with what people my age are suppose to be doing. I dont wake up at a reasonable time and i dont sleep at a reasonable time.
Im constantly tired, just tired of everything and everyone. Story of everyones life right.
I hate the people i should love and the love the people i should hate. I realized this late last night and it has honestly kept me thinking since then.
I woke up to knocks on my door. "Paulina, half the day is gone wake up." Its my mom. Ugh. I shove my hand under my pillow and pull out my ipod to check the time. No messages. Its 10am. That is hardly half the day. She always does this. I mumble something about being sick and roll over and stare at the celing until i fall asleep again.
I wake up. Dreams are just another thing i regret. I regret their accuracy and clarity. I stay in bed long after i wake up. Just staring at the ceiling, trying to make sense of everything thats been going on. Trying to figure out what the day might hold in store for me. Its quite depressing if you look around. My room was spotless a few days ago but since i came home ive just been peeling my clothes off, dropping them on the floor and crawling into bed. i dont sleep. I spend most of my time in this room. If you saw it youd probably think all i do is read books, drink tea, light candles and write. Theres a lingering smell of alcohol in the air. Shit i should probably open the windows.
The skys dark outside. The weather is reflecting my mood. Great its going to be one of those days. Oliver crawls out of his bed as soon as he sees im opening the window. He stretches and hops onto my bed and looks out the window. He does this every morning. I think hes hoping that maybe today he will be able to escape through the front door and go play with his friend. Hes been getting out lately. He always comes back. I dont scold him because i feel guilty about the fact that ive been neglecting him so much. Maybe i should walk him, yeah i should. I know i wont.
I check the time again. Shit 3pm 4 new messages. I need to get up and get out of this room.
Downstairs everyone is running around busy doing things, like it really matters. I ignore their good afternoons and scolding looks about the time. They know better than to expect a response. The fridge is empty and the stove is a mess of the evident feast everyone had this morning. Eggs and toast for me it is. As soon as everyone is out of the kitchen i pour some vodka in a mug and make myself some strong peppermint tea. This is the only way im going to make it through today.
I check my ipod. Jess wants to go to a late dinner. I just had breakfast, but i say yes. Maybe she can get me out of this funk. "Is everything okay," she writes. I feel guilty but I cant muster up the energy to be convincing enough to say im fine. "We can talk later, dont worry about it," i reply.
Travis wants to know how my weekend was. Can i even begin to explain what happened? No i cant, plus id rather not get into it with him. "We can talk tomorrow after school," he says. I guess im going to school tomorrow. "Yeah sure."
Showering is always the best part of my day. Ever since Matt and Judy told me about how showering in the dark is more like an experience i decided to try it and ive been stuck ever since. I usually stand there for a long time before i begin to do anything. The water beats all the impurities out of my head.
The mirror is all fogged up. I insisted on showering with the hottest water i could stand. I look in the mirror and see my blurred figure. I feel my body under my wrinkled finger tips and wish i was thinner. I look at my ipod. Shes almost here to pick me up and Mattys with her. Fuck I got to go. Hope it goes well.