I've held back for a while. Reasons? There are many but truth be told the strongest reason remains that I don't want you reading this. You so easily blocked me out and left and I can't stand the thought of you having access to my thoughts. Documenting all of it will be as if you get to share everything that's been happening like things haven't changed. You would get to witness all the up and downs without directly being affected by it.
Everything has been happening so fast. I've become so much more stable in my life. My emotions and thoughts are balanced. But no matter what plans, friends, or lovers are had to fill the void of your existence, nothing fits in quite like you did. I was destroyed at first. Coming home to a place that wasn't home. Walls covered in your writings, rooms filled with memories, songs filled with meaning. I didnt know how to live without you and I didn't care to know for a while. I was in disbelief in what was going on. It'd like being told that there is no such thing as gravity and all of a sudden you're thrown far into space before you can realize what's really going on. Left in a strange place without any sort of grip on reality. And then the anger. Oh the anger. I was furious with everyone. Anyone who would try to convince me that life was different now. That maybe it was for the best. They didn't understand. How could they I thought. They didn't. Then I was angry at you and resentful. Having to look at the words in my mirror how you wouldn't leave and how we could make it through everything. I tried to make sense of it but I couldn't. After my emotions settled, I was faced with the truth. You're gone. I miss you. That's all I know for sure. And I wonder when I see you one day, if I will be filled bitterness or love? Will my fists ball up or will I run to you with open arms? I don't know what my heart thinks and I don't know what my brain feels. All I know is you're gone and I miss you.
