Slowing Down.

I never wanted it to feel like this, to be this way
I'm just afraid that if you stay, we'll never change
I never wanted it to be like this, to feel this way
I'm just afraid that if you stay, you'll hate me

Relapse.

I run around that house all the time, but never once have I run into him. Everyone makes sure of that. That we aren't in the same place at the same time. He loathes me. The very mention of my name makes the resentment inside boils up to the surface. It was just one summer ago that we were inseperapable but that was a different time now.
And now we are in the same car together. I sit next to him while he drives. The night makes his blue eyes all the more hard to read. My hands are trembling so I sit on them to hide my fear. I look over afraid of facing the hate but it's not there. It's gone, and in its place are soft hurt eyes, questioning me. His eyes searching mine looking for answers. "I need to tell you something," I whisper. I'm not sure if he heard me. "I didn't do it, I didn't send those ugly messages, I was never unfaithful to you, I never meant to hurt you, I didnt do it...." His brows knit together in a swell of emotion. He grabbed my hand. "I know now, I should of known from the beginning. I'm sorry," he replied. He pulled me over with his free arm, held me close, and kissed my hair. "I'm sorry," I kept repeating through tears. "Its okay Paulina. It's over now. You hav nothing to be sorry for. It was me," he said.
We drove for who knows how long. He talked on and on explaining all the whys. I zoned out, head resting on his lap while he stroked my hair. He was saying everything. He was being honest. Every now and then it because obvious that what he was admitting he was ashamed of but he said it anyways. He would stop and reach over and kiss me and I would pathetically let him. My strength to resist completely gone from the past few months. "God I really missed you," he'd say. He kept saying he was sorry and saying he wasnt going to hide anything anymore.
That's when I  knew something was off. Why was he finally saying all of this, why now? I sat up and looked out at the street we were going down and all I saw was a blinding white light and him whisper my name and then nothing.
-----
I wake up and my eyes fill with tears. I keep my eyes closed and pull the covers over my head in an attempt to hold onto that happiness for seconds more.

Act one, Scene one.

A happy memory will be the death of me. I wake up with no knowledge of the past but just a subtle remnant feeling that glows in the back of my mind. What is gone is not forever lost. What was yours will be once more. This dream did cause my nightmares scream for it could no longer be. I wake up alive and glad at that. I am finally free of my chains and intend on walking on.

Redemption.

Today was a day full of dreams. The realization of a fantasy, the death of a dream, and facing reality. With tears streaming down my face I said goodbye to my past and hello to a unknown future.
It's a strange feeling. I've always been afraid of losing the people i cared about. I had a fear of not being around the one i loved because i felt that as soon as they would leave my sight something would happen. I might lose them. I cant lose any more of them. Im down to the last one.
I need to stop thinking how could this happen to me and appreciate what i have.

A dream's a nightmares scream.
Night terrors might be fairer.
When reality holds the inability.
to keep its stability.
Sleepless Dreams can redeem,
the tired feeling of repetition.
Make me walk in circles.
Psycho babble bubbles
from underneath the water.
Memories i gather.
in a basket of resentment.
That all went with the love that kept
the fear underneath. abyss

Does that make sense?
It does to me.

Works of the Mind.

A few steps in the right direction were taken by yours truly today. They don't feel right but at least I know I wont be left. That's a little bit of grammatical humor for you. Is half a truth still truth? No it isn't. But is half a lie, half true? Well I'm not going to stick around to find out. Its best to dust off that little bit of pride I have and leave it behind with the dependency issues. Maybe not a new beginning but definitely a different ending. Am I making sense? I might be. Wait what are you doing here? Looking for answers? Well you're only going to find facts here and maybe some of my own personal answers for my own personal issues. I've learned recollecting will only re-collect the feelings that were left harbored. Not looking back is easier spoken than followed and since I am not feeling up to removing my eyes, I do what I can with the technology I have. So I've disconnect myself. I've learned not to look with my eyes but with my hands. For then I will know I am not seeing what I truly want to see but rather what is truly there. Ive learned to not think with my heart and leave my mind to feel. All systems go. Everything is back in its place. We have lift off. But sometimes I look out my tiny spherical window and think "Oh Captain, my Captain..." What the hell happened....

Testing Testing 123

Sometime you have to fight the urge. Even though no one is around and no one will find out, you have to fight the urge. Suppress it until you've forgotten the feeling entirely. Some things aren't meant to be felt or seen. To escape is to hide. I'm trying not to escape my problems. Silence is better. No it isn't. Lying to yourself is better than lying to others. Nope that's not working either. Stop making excuses. Dammit... I refuse to fall into the trap again. My life is finally pulling itself together. The bad things have finally been weeded out and the flowers placed into the ditches. Blah Blah Blah. Life will get better but right now it feels the same.