The truth is. It varies. There are days where I feel so alive, it's as though anything is possible. Like I could literally jump off a building and hit the ground running into some mythical la la land where nothing hurts and people cant leave. I cherish every second and feel high off the very air I breathe. You wont be able to get me to stop smiling, you'll be able to tell when those days are. My mood is quite infectious.
Then there are the other days, or nights I should say. Those nights are indescribable to say the least. Rock bottom would be welcomed on those nights. I feel literally nothing. Not sadness, not happiness. I'm not indifferent and nor do I care. Empty would be the perfect word if there were any. Those nights I spend alone in my room trying to find some sort of distraction to put my mind off the lack of emotion. If i tried to cry I wouldn't be able to. I'll sit in front of my mirror staring into my eyes looking for something, some kind of answer or realization or I'll lay back on my floor staring up at the ceiling and just swim in my thoughts. Hours will pass unknowingly and morning light will start to peek through my window.
That's the one thing that stops my stupor. The morning light. That seems to be the only thing that comforts me enough to finally crawl into my cold bed and fall into the hands of dreams. Strange thing was that one night last week that didn't even stop me. I went two morning lights without sleep. My body didn't crave or receive sleep or nourishment for over 48 hours and I was fine. That scared me. But the following night I was able to calm my mind enough to go to sleep at around 4 am and the usual cycle continued once again.
Sometimes I wished I had a better reason as to why I'm depressed. It could be because I was molested by an older cousin for over three years when I was a child. It could be because of my parent messy divorce and fathers addiction to meth and stints in and out of jail. It could be because I got pregnant when I was 19 to a guy who was going back and for between me and my bestfriend. It could be for many reasons scattered around my past and possibly some predestined to be in my future. But it's not. Actually those things didn't really have much of an effect on me. And that scared me. Which triggered me to become depressed and nobody noticed the lack of emotion for the situations present because I was depressed by my lack of depression. It's not human to not be bothered by those kind of things. Yet I am overly sensitive to certain things like rejection.
I don't need more reasons to be depressed. No parental figure. No job. No car. No school. No friends. No future.... The problem is these aren't the reasons as to why I am depressed. I dont know why and I'm afraid of the fact that I don't know. What if the underlying reason is so monstrous that I wont be able to do anything about it? Or what if it turns out to be practically nothing, then I'll feel as though I've wasted so much time on such a juvenile emotion. I'm afraid of that unknown. Which causes me to sink deeper into depression.
It'd odd because when I am surrounded by chaos I feel at home. I feel comforted that I am not in solitude in my solitude. I don't wish it upon anyone but I am comforted by it. When I'm surrounded by happy people and happy music I feel as though I am being mocked. I will criticize people who are in an attempt to break down their realities.
Its odd because in highschool if you missed a day, everyone would freak out. You'd get about 7 messages by lunch all saying, "Hey where are you?" "Why weren't you in 1st period?" but in the real world, the outside world, if you miss a day, nobody really misses you. In fact, somebody has already replaced you. All your duties and jobs. Everything goes on smoothly without even a slight hiccup. To tell you the truth I kind of miss those days.
Sometimes I feel like dying. Let me clarify. I do not feel like dying. I merely feel like it would be better if I stopped living. This is when I feel as though it would be the appropriate time for a friend to call and notice that something might possible be bothering me and attempt to help. Problem is... I don't have many friend. I have one and I'm sure she is sleeping soundly. I don't want to wake her. So nobody calls. Then I think maybe I should save myself. How do I go about doing that? Hmmm maybe by calling someone who's job it is to save people. What's the number for the suicide hotline? I'm halfway typing in the information on google and realize how pathetic I'm being. What am I 13 years old? Slit my wrists and black my eyes? Fuckk... This is depressing. I just depressed myself out of a suicide. Me taking my life is pathetic. I don't see it that way. Its not like I want to take my life. It feels like it has already been taken from me and just my thoughts and a form to hold them has been left behind.
I would rather live. But I'm not living. So what kind of limbo am I stuck in? A cycle of illusion, expectation, let down, and realization.
No comments:
Post a Comment