"So I have to talk to you about Minnesota. I’ve been thinking about it seriously and I want to know how you feel about it," she asks. Her eyes say it all. They look concerned and scared, pleading almost.
"Well you got to do what you want to do. If moving there is going to help you then go," I say.
"But what about you," she asks.
"What about me? I’m going to be here. Don’t worry about me."
"But I do worry about you," she replies. "What will you do?"
"I will survive. I’ll go on living. I’m more worried about you being out there and needing me."
Her brows furrow in frustration. "I’m just scared of something happening to you and me not being there. It would kill me,” she cries.
I sigh. I know I will find some way of dealing with her absence. Truth is I’m scared of what will really happen if she leaves but I know she has to go. If it were me I would pack my bag and run without a backward glance. Goodbye California. My home and my hell. I look up at her and realize that I would never leave her. I would take her with me where I went. What kind of person would I be if I left her when she needed me the most?
"I can go with you," I blurt out. "I mean, I wish I could go with you." I don’t want her to leave me. She’s honestly all I have. She looks at me pensively. "I knew you’d be willing. You’re my constant and I am yours. I don’t want that to be jeopardized." "We can figure something out," I say.
I look out the window and gaze longingly out at the night. I don’t know what to do with my life at this point. I’ve been left so many times by friends, lovers, and by my father. I don’t want to be left behind anymore. I’m thinking of David again. I don’t understand why he left me. It kills me every moment of everyday. I put every ounce of myself into loving someone and it’s not enough. I can deal with that, but the fact that I was never given some kind of explanation. Why? Leave me but tell me why. Too much too soon. Forget it Paulina. That was so long ago, you have fresher problems that have surfaced.
Is this what it has come to? This mind numbingly hopelessness. I’ve given every part of me away hoping for some kind of relief from the loneliness. All of this potential has gone to waste. It’s so sad. But thinking about it won’t make it better. It’s so tragic that you can never fully understand me and my motives or my intentions and yet you think you do. You are so sadly mistaken Matthew. Your name. I’ve said it. It tears at my sanity. It’s nothing you did but everything you said. The ideas that you have planted in my head have settled and grown. Once an idea has taken hold of your brain it is impossible to eradicate.
The subconscious is motivated by emotion. And I know you aren’t the stone hearted man you pretend to be. I’m just in disbelief of your every day monotonous faked personality. Because I’ve seen the other side. I’ve never seen you act that way before, totally exposed. And the imagine of it has struck a chord with me and stayed. I don’t believe in your repressed emotionlessness. Positive emotion trumps negative emotion every time. And that’s why you break. I’ve seen that break through only a few times but I know it’s down there. I know you fight it. I’m not saying you’re fighting me. I just know you’re fighting something and I wish you wouldn’t. The untapped potential is something I cannot even begin to contemplate because I’ve never met anyone like you. And this is all your mind. I could care less about the outer skeleton; it is your mind that has me so enthralled, so trapped. You mustn’t be afraid to dream bigger darling. You keep telling yourself what you know. But what do you believe, what do you feel? It’s like you locked something away. So far away, intended for protection but you’ve forgotten the real reason why it’s there. You chose to forget that truth in you. That truth can define or destroy you depending on how you deal with it, and you have it caged inside you, until it bursts through angry and demanding. But I know nothing will change. You are stubborn. Who are you really? I've seen a side of you I don’t understand. I try and you ridicule me for even thinking that you have more than one impenetrable dimension. I know there is more than you let on. I don’t know you but I know there is more to you. And I’m wondering if you’ve been real with me at all?
I return to my tea and realize Jessica has been watching me.
"Why do you torture yourself Paulina?"
"I don’t know. To reminisce on the past helps me."
"How so?"
"Because when I think about everything, his mind is still with me. And I can’t forget the things I regret. To accept that it’s finite means I can’t change it anymore. It means I’m powerless."
She accepts this answer, I’m not sure if she understands but it satisfies her. She doesnt know what him I refer to. She never does. She tries to advise me and I want to believe her but I honestly have lost my feeling in anything. I have lost the motivation for anything but answers.
"Can I get you anything else darling?" Travis had come up from behind me. He is such a great guy and Jessica is convinced that he likes me. "More tea please," I say. As he walks away he winks and I smile at him. If only people and their ideas were as easy to erase from your minds as a file. I could just press the refresh button and start off new. I’m so fucked up in the head right now, I don’t know if I could be with him even if I tried.
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