19.

Ive never laughed so much or cried so hard or been so stressed or had such a crazy good time all in once. I've never felt so free or felt so caged in as i have at 19. Im going to miss everything that i've gained and lost this year. I'm just gonna miss all of it. So much change with this new year for me.
Im going to miss us, all of us. Although I could see the past playing out in entirely different ways, as a mother, a bestfriend, a girlfriend, or even in a coffin, I am glad that this is the way it all turned out. Having to learn on my own what Life can throw at you, what i can survive, or what i need help with.
Its almost as though my life began at 19. That very first day on September 8. It all begun and all began to unravel. A month would go by, one a time, with so much much drastic change. It was as though i was experienceing an entire lifes worth of challenges.
There are a few moments that i look back and recall how speechless I am towards them. Oh the things i would tell myself if i could. So I will.
To the girl who fell in love so quickly and hopeful, "Dont change, it was never a mistake."
To the girl who chose friendship over herself, "Never again care for those who will NEVER put you first. Love them and believe them, but never their excuses. They will always find an excuse."
To the girl who saw in him what he did not, "Be prepared to have to be on your toes your entire life if you plan on staying. He doesnt even know or love himself, you wont be able to either."
To the girl who made the choice, "I know it was hard but you should of kept the baby. Doing it alone is better than living with the constant regret."
To the girl who tried to take her life, "It will get better, i promise.."

19 years old and so much to say. But its mostly goodbye now to the people and problems of the past. But I feel free and its a beautiful thing.

Drink Water But Not Enough To Drown.

Does it hurt to look or hurt to know? Or maybe rather hurt to see and never accept. I wake up to dreams I do not long to dream. I get up out of bed at the crack dawn, even though it seems like mintues ago that I was able to fall asleep. I shower the sleep out of my skin and head out the door before the sun has even touched the sky. Head to the bus stop and wait my turn, plug in and tune out. Get off and walk. Up the stairs, through the doors. Check in.
Off work. Thank God for my kind coworkers. Little do they know they saved my life today. Funny how a little company can bring you back from the brink of suicide. Everyone was concerned with absence the day before. Im glad someone cared. I only wish they could understand. Maybe then i wouldnt feel this way.

Let the devil linger on.

Ive tasted death more than once. Before on my lips and now on my tongue. In that shell, spinning spinning spinning. Sitting by a stranger, spinning to my death. "Great," I thought. This is how i will die. And when the world can to a halt once again, my emotions called by the adrenaline was still running through my veins. But that cross over, that cross to the other side, it woke me up. I was awake with dead blood.

I'm not of this world, so why should I leave my sanctuary. I'm back in a shell, but this time its mine and I'll be safe. Back to infinite potential. I'm comfortable in here. Why should i go out there where there is nothing but fear. I cant pretend to be like them anymore. I'm not that human being. So i have to leave. Take my shell and leave. Its bigger than all of us... Maybe that's why no one understand each other. This is something i have to do. Struggle is the enemy but growth is the remedy. I'm going home. I look up above and see that potential. I don't want to taste anything old upon my tongue.
Im trapped in my mind and i dont think I'll ever really go.

Answer.

I have never been one to hesitate and I have never been one to lie to myself. I would be lying to say that I wasn't scared. I'm terrified. This time not to die but to feel alive again. I'm scared to feel. But I will and now I welcome the day that the past year will be all a distant memory. The day will come when I can walk without fear that I might be retracing my steps. I will see without fear of seeing the truth and I will listen without fear of hearing poison. And I will speak without the fear of being heard.
So I will love you tomorrow with an unfaltering stability that has laid dormant for all this time. I will hold no grudges. I will and always have.