Strangers.

The bus stop. Some of my most pensive moments have been spent here or on my ride home. I have approximately 47 minutes to think about everything. I dread it. I don’t want to think. So I plug in my IPod and tune out the worldly sounds. Its chilly out and the cars zooming by don’t make my cough any better. I haven’t been in this part of town for a while. Definitely reminds me of the past.
I wish I never did it. I wish I never started talking to him. I’m sitting here driving myself crazy thinking about all those memories. Those long walks together and long nights alone. Those sweet three words said so much. We were moving too fast and there’s no taking back everything that happened. And then there are those late night conversations that poisoned my thoughts with promise.
If you could get into my mind I’m sure you’d be confused because there are two hims lodged in my head. It sounds terrible. I am aware but that’s life. Some scars are fresher than others. Some promises broken before others. The thing I regret the most is losing the friend I had in him. To tell you the truth I think he was seduced by me more than anything else. I wasn’t doing anything. I was being honest to myself and my impulses. If morality was a law then I surely am a convict. I think he hated how much he was drawn to me. He couldn’t help but want to be with me when I was around him and I can’t blame him. It was the same for me. Those blue eyes made me melt. Two sets of blue eyes that have left me in this wreck. He doesn’t speak to me I’m sure because he can’t control himself. Maybe it was a good choice to leave me then. I just wish there was some kind of warning. Men should come with warning signs. The things that they are capable of written on their backs. I wish I knew the reason why he left. He never said why. He just stopped one day and it was like everything that I was sure was there was just a figment of my hopeful imagination.
I know the routine. "I’m nothing like the guy before," they all say. "I’m different. I don’t lie." It makes me laugh and I play along and eventually I’m caught off guard and I find myself alone with him, believing him, and relying on him. I just can’t explain it. I want someone to be stable in my life and genuine.
The more that I try to erase you from my mind, the more you appear. You were an idea planted in my head and encouraged to grow by my loneliness. But you’ve gone rogue. I can’t control my thoughts anymore. If I can’t control myself then what can I control? That’s a scary thought. The bus is there. I find a seat in the back without really looking and rest my head against the cold glass window. The countdown begins. 47 minutes to hell. All I can do is hope when I get home is that I’ll be left alone.
I was talking to Jess today about how I was worried that I might unknowingly have some kind of eating disorder. "I would be worried if it wasn’t for the fact that I’ve seen you eat big meals, you just haven’t eaten much lately." This is true. For some reason I just haven’t had an appetite. Even looking at food makes me sick. It’s been a few months now that I skip eating. Sometimes I forget and other times I’m just scared to eat. I wish I could. I really do but every spoonful of food I put in my mouth is a potential exhausting pain spell. "You must be allergic." "You might not be eating in a regular pattern." "Do you have trouble keeping food down," all the doctors have asked. No it’s just pain and nothing else. I’ve had blood work, tests, and MRIs done but the results show nothing. "We can’t figure out what the problem is, you’re just going to have to come back and keep trying." Story of my life.
I couldn’t run away from my problems even if I wanted to because I know deep down inside that I might be the problem. I deny myself so much because I want to believe that I don’t need anyone else besides myself but I don’t fool me. I know I’m in need of something.
The man sitting across from me is staring at me. I realize I’ve been focusing motionless straight ahead since I got on. I can tell he is intrigued by me. My face has been blank and stony for.... the clock above me says 28 minutes. I turn slowly and make eye contact with him. He smiles timidly, surely embarrassed that he’s been caught but my emotion doesn’t change. I continue to stare him down. His body gets tense and he buries his face back into the newspaper on his lap.
What do people see when they see me, I wonder? Because when I look at my reflection, I see a stranger gazing back at me.