Remember Me.

Did you forget? Did you forget what it feels like? What I feel like?
It’s not my expectations that were let down because I didn’t expect you to stay. I just didn’t think you would deny what was obviously there at one point. It was my trust in your honesty that was let down. I don’t want to say your name. I’m trying to just forget it all. To speak your name, rejuvenates the pain.
Jess is lying next to me on my bedroom floor. I can feel her breathing deeply besides me. I can see the glistening trail that the tears left behind on her cheek. Disappointment. It’s a common feeling we share too often. I want to comfort her but how can I even try to make sense of her problem when I can’t even begin to explain mine. So we lay in silence looking up at the ceiling waiting for god knows what.
"I’m tired of being taken advantage of. I’m always going to be there for him and he knows that," she says. "He just uses me when he needs me and when I reach out to him I get treated like I never mattered." Jesus this is why I love her. I see so much of me in her. She is my reflection. What I can’t see happening to me, I can see happening to her.
"What do I say," she repeats. "I don’t know Jess," I sigh. "I would say the truth but we both know he either shuts down or runs from conflict, but you can’t keep pretending that everything is okay," I add.
I lay there getting lost in my own thoughts. He and I had both been careless. I know my reasons why and but I don’t remember when I lost control. I just know that I woke up one morning and I had dreamt of him. I had always been able to control my dreams. Always. And now my subconscious created him every night. If he treated me like a disease during the day why didn’t his memory avoid me at night? I’m just stuck on the fact that I tried to just be there to help him above all else and now I feel like the enemy. I handed over so much to him so fast; I didn’t even realize it and I don’t think he did either, that’s how everything I have handed over got taken for granted. He does find value in my being there because I can honestly say I had been easy company. Eager to please him. It’s all a matter of convenience at this point. I am no longer easy to have in his life.
"You should try talking to him," she says to me. She can always see what’s bothering me. I’ve stopped even pretending around her. "There’s no point, the let down would be too great. The risk of losing the last bit of pride is too much. That last shred of self-respect." We continue our pointless conversation about the difference between what should happen and what does happen and then she has to leave.
When it comes down to it, all I really want to know is he was real with me at all? Doors were opened and lines were crossed. And now I’m wondering if it was all a figment of my imagination.