Recollecting is only going to collect your regret again.

I looked down at my plate in shock. I actually finished my food. I’m proud of myself. Smiling I look up at Jess who is busy on her phone. The restaurant around us is busy for a Wednesday. I can’t see without my glasses but refuse to put them on in case Travis, who happens to be our server, comes back.
"So I have to talk to you about Minnesota. I’ve been thinking about it seriously and I want to know how you feel about it," she asks. Her eyes say it all. They look concerned and scared, pleading almost.
"Well you got to do what you want to do. If moving there is going to help you then go," I say.
"But what about you," she asks.
"What about me? I’m going to be here. Don’t worry about me."
"But I do worry about you," she replies. "What will you do?"
"I will survive. I’ll go on living. I’m more worried about you being out there and needing me."
Her brows furrow in frustration. "I’m just scared of something happening to you and me not being there. It would kill me,” she cries.
I sigh. I know I will find some way of dealing with her absence. Truth is I’m scared of what will really happen if she leaves but I know she has to go. If it were me I would pack my bag and run without a backward glance. Goodbye California. My home and my hell. I look up at her and realize that I would never leave her. I would take her with me where I went. What kind of person would I be if I left her when she needed me the most?
"I can go with you," I blurt out. "I mean, I wish I could go with you." I don’t want her to leave me. She’s honestly all I have. She looks at me pensively. "I knew you’d be willing. You’re my constant and I am yours. I don’t want that to be jeopardized." "We can figure something out," I say.
I look out the window and gaze longingly out at the night. I don’t know what to do with my life at this point. I’ve been left so many times by friends, lovers, and by my father. I don’t want to be left behind anymore. I’m thinking of David again. I don’t understand why he left me. It kills me every moment of everyday. I put every ounce of myself into loving someone and it’s not enough. I can deal with that, but the fact that I was never given some kind of explanation. Why? Leave me but tell me why. Too much too soon. Forget it Paulina. That was so long ago, you have fresher problems that have surfaced.
Is this what it has come to? This mind numbingly hopelessness. I’ve given every part of me away hoping for some kind of relief from the loneliness. All of this potential has gone to waste. It’s so sad. But thinking about it won’t make it better. It’s so tragic that you can never fully understand me and my motives or my intentions and yet you think you do. You are so sadly mistaken Matthew. Your name. I’ve said it. It tears at my sanity. It’s nothing you did but everything you said. The ideas that you have planted in my head have settled and grown. Once an idea has taken hold of your brain it is impossible to eradicate.
The subconscious is motivated by emotion. And I know you aren’t the stone hearted man you pretend to be. I’m just in disbelief of your every day monotonous faked personality. Because I’ve seen the other side. I’ve never seen you act that way before, totally exposed. And the imagine of it has struck a chord with me and stayed. I don’t believe in your repressed emotionlessness. Positive emotion trumps negative emotion every time. And that’s why you break. I’ve seen that break through only a few times but I know it’s down there. I know you fight it. I’m not saying you’re fighting me. I just know you’re fighting something and I wish you wouldn’t. The untapped potential is something I cannot even begin to contemplate because I’ve never met anyone like you. And this is all your mind. I could care less about the outer skeleton; it is your mind that has me so enthralled, so trapped. You mustn’t be afraid to dream bigger darling. You keep telling yourself what you know. But what do you believe, what do you feel? It’s like you locked something away. So far away, intended for protection but you’ve forgotten the real reason why it’s there. You chose to forget that truth in you. That truth can define or destroy you depending on how you deal with it, and you have it caged inside you, until it bursts through angry and demanding. But I know nothing will change. You are stubborn. Who are you really? I've seen a side of you I don’t understand. I try and you ridicule me for even thinking that you have more than one impenetrable dimension. I know there is more than you let on. I don’t know you but I know there is more to you. And I’m wondering if you’ve been real with me at all?
I return to my tea and realize Jessica has been watching me.
"Why do you torture yourself Paulina?"
"I don’t know. To reminisce on the past helps me."
"How so?"
"Because when I think about everything, his mind is still with me. And I can’t forget the things I regret. To accept that it’s finite means I can’t change it anymore. It means I’m powerless."
She accepts this answer, I’m not sure if she understands but it satisfies her. She doesnt know what him I refer to. She never does. She tries to advise me and I want to believe her but I honestly have lost my feeling in anything. I have lost the motivation for anything but answers.
"Can I get you anything else darling?" Travis had come up from behind me. He is such a great guy and Jessica is convinced that he likes me. "More tea please," I say. As he walks away he winks and I smile at him. If only people and their ideas were as easy to erase from your minds as a file. I could just press the refresh button and start off new. I’m so fucked up in the head right now, I don’t know if I could be with him even if I tried.

Remember Me.

Did you forget? Did you forget what it feels like? What I feel like?
It’s not my expectations that were let down because I didn’t expect you to stay. I just didn’t think you would deny what was obviously there at one point. It was my trust in your honesty that was let down. I don’t want to say your name. I’m trying to just forget it all. To speak your name, rejuvenates the pain.
Jess is lying next to me on my bedroom floor. I can feel her breathing deeply besides me. I can see the glistening trail that the tears left behind on her cheek. Disappointment. It’s a common feeling we share too often. I want to comfort her but how can I even try to make sense of her problem when I can’t even begin to explain mine. So we lay in silence looking up at the ceiling waiting for god knows what.
"I’m tired of being taken advantage of. I’m always going to be there for him and he knows that," she says. "He just uses me when he needs me and when I reach out to him I get treated like I never mattered." Jesus this is why I love her. I see so much of me in her. She is my reflection. What I can’t see happening to me, I can see happening to her.
"What do I say," she repeats. "I don’t know Jess," I sigh. "I would say the truth but we both know he either shuts down or runs from conflict, but you can’t keep pretending that everything is okay," I add.
I lay there getting lost in my own thoughts. He and I had both been careless. I know my reasons why and but I don’t remember when I lost control. I just know that I woke up one morning and I had dreamt of him. I had always been able to control my dreams. Always. And now my subconscious created him every night. If he treated me like a disease during the day why didn’t his memory avoid me at night? I’m just stuck on the fact that I tried to just be there to help him above all else and now I feel like the enemy. I handed over so much to him so fast; I didn’t even realize it and I don’t think he did either, that’s how everything I have handed over got taken for granted. He does find value in my being there because I can honestly say I had been easy company. Eager to please him. It’s all a matter of convenience at this point. I am no longer easy to have in his life.
"You should try talking to him," she says to me. She can always see what’s bothering me. I’ve stopped even pretending around her. "There’s no point, the let down would be too great. The risk of losing the last bit of pride is too much. That last shred of self-respect." We continue our pointless conversation about the difference between what should happen and what does happen and then she has to leave.
When it comes down to it, all I really want to know is he was real with me at all? Doors were opened and lines were crossed. And now I’m wondering if it was all a figment of my imagination.

Strangers.

The bus stop. Some of my most pensive moments have been spent here or on my ride home. I have approximately 47 minutes to think about everything. I dread it. I don’t want to think. So I plug in my IPod and tune out the worldly sounds. Its chilly out and the cars zooming by don’t make my cough any better. I haven’t been in this part of town for a while. Definitely reminds me of the past.
I wish I never did it. I wish I never started talking to him. I’m sitting here driving myself crazy thinking about all those memories. Those long walks together and long nights alone. Those sweet three words said so much. We were moving too fast and there’s no taking back everything that happened. And then there are those late night conversations that poisoned my thoughts with promise.
If you could get into my mind I’m sure you’d be confused because there are two hims lodged in my head. It sounds terrible. I am aware but that’s life. Some scars are fresher than others. Some promises broken before others. The thing I regret the most is losing the friend I had in him. To tell you the truth I think he was seduced by me more than anything else. I wasn’t doing anything. I was being honest to myself and my impulses. If morality was a law then I surely am a convict. I think he hated how much he was drawn to me. He couldn’t help but want to be with me when I was around him and I can’t blame him. It was the same for me. Those blue eyes made me melt. Two sets of blue eyes that have left me in this wreck. He doesn’t speak to me I’m sure because he can’t control himself. Maybe it was a good choice to leave me then. I just wish there was some kind of warning. Men should come with warning signs. The things that they are capable of written on their backs. I wish I knew the reason why he left. He never said why. He just stopped one day and it was like everything that I was sure was there was just a figment of my hopeful imagination.
I know the routine. "I’m nothing like the guy before," they all say. "I’m different. I don’t lie." It makes me laugh and I play along and eventually I’m caught off guard and I find myself alone with him, believing him, and relying on him. I just can’t explain it. I want someone to be stable in my life and genuine.
The more that I try to erase you from my mind, the more you appear. You were an idea planted in my head and encouraged to grow by my loneliness. But you’ve gone rogue. I can’t control my thoughts anymore. If I can’t control myself then what can I control? That’s a scary thought. The bus is there. I find a seat in the back without really looking and rest my head against the cold glass window. The countdown begins. 47 minutes to hell. All I can do is hope when I get home is that I’ll be left alone.
I was talking to Jess today about how I was worried that I might unknowingly have some kind of eating disorder. "I would be worried if it wasn’t for the fact that I’ve seen you eat big meals, you just haven’t eaten much lately." This is true. For some reason I just haven’t had an appetite. Even looking at food makes me sick. It’s been a few months now that I skip eating. Sometimes I forget and other times I’m just scared to eat. I wish I could. I really do but every spoonful of food I put in my mouth is a potential exhausting pain spell. "You must be allergic." "You might not be eating in a regular pattern." "Do you have trouble keeping food down," all the doctors have asked. No it’s just pain and nothing else. I’ve had blood work, tests, and MRIs done but the results show nothing. "We can’t figure out what the problem is, you’re just going to have to come back and keep trying." Story of my life.
I couldn’t run away from my problems even if I wanted to because I know deep down inside that I might be the problem. I deny myself so much because I want to believe that I don’t need anyone else besides myself but I don’t fool me. I know I’m in need of something.
The man sitting across from me is staring at me. I realize I’ve been focusing motionless straight ahead since I got on. I can tell he is intrigued by me. My face has been blank and stony for.... the clock above me says 28 minutes. I turn slowly and make eye contact with him. He smiles timidly, surely embarrassed that he’s been caught but my emotion doesn’t change. I continue to stare him down. His body gets tense and he buries his face back into the newspaper on his lap.
What do people see when they see me, I wonder? Because when I look at my reflection, I see a stranger gazing back at me.

Caught of Guard.

"It's almost check-out time," I hear him say. I'm still half asleep but I assume it must almost be noon. I open my eyes a slit and see Jessica on my side typing away on her laptop. Probably writing about something that's on her mind. Matt is still in the room, so I just place my hand on her lap as a gesture to comfort her. I love this girl I really do. Sometimes I reach out and feel her arm, just to feel that she's really there besides me and I'm not dreaming. I like to know that shes there.
Ugh my throat feels like shit, I shouldn't of stayed up talking so late. I'm running on less than 4 hours of sleep and have the flu. I need to start taking care of myself.
"Hey so I'm gonna head out now," he says. Finally. Sounds mean but I've been wanting it to be Jess and me ever since Edgar left late last night. He was so quite towards the end. Who knows what was on his mind. "Okay we'll we are gonna check out in like 20 mins anyways," she says. I sit up and give him a half-assed hug and lock the door behind him. I can't stop coughing so I heat up whatever was left in my cup from the night before. The hot liquid calms my aching throat. Ahh... Much better.
"What was I saying last night?" she says. Hmmm I don't really remember. Pessimistic stuff. The booze had got her talking and lately because of life, she's only had bad things to talk about. "Just about always being the friend and how people always lie Jess. Not a big deal." "Hmm at least I didn't say his name." "Yeah I know, at least we both didn't."
In the car, I flip open the mirror and look at my bloodshot eyes. Damn I guess I'm gonna wear sunglasses for my lunch with Travis. Jess and I talk about everything that happened and Matt's friend Carlos that we met last night. Tea at Starbucks for 3 bucks and then we are on our way.
Hanging out with Travis, is always such a good distraction. He always babies me and takes care of me when I'm not feeling to well. We sit in the sun trying to soak up some extra warmth. Halfway through our conversation Justin and Crystal pull up next to our table. She's on lunch and Justin, being the loyal boyfriend that he is, is spending it with her. I haven't seen them in a while.
"Its almost 3:30 babe, I gotta go back," she says. They leave us and we decided to go get something to eat before Travis has to go to work. All the while inside waiting for our food, I keep looking behind my shoulder. He doesn't notice. I'm pretty good at acting normal. I seem to have him convinced. I'm paranoid that I might run into him. It's happened before and it can't happen now because I'm so close to relapse I feel nauseous.
"Finish your food," he smiles at me. I look down at my half eaten food and feel sickened. I haven't eaten in two days but I'm still not hungry. "I'm full," I lie with a smile. I bat my lashes and put the leftovers away. "Lets go, I'll drop you off at Justin's." I sigh. I really hope I don't relapse from all the memories that have been left scattered around that house. "Sounds great, I haven't been over there in a while," I say. There's a good reason why I haven't been over there.

Words of Encouragement.

"Hey is she asleep?" "Hey Jess you up? Yeah she out. Whats up Matt?" He has definitely had too much to drink, I can hear it in his voice. People speak the truth when they don't think anyone is listening. This night didn't turn out as I had planned. Jess is asleep on my lap after a long night of drinking and self destructive talk and now Matt is opening up to me since the liquor has loosened his lips.
"You know the only reason I wanted to join the Marines is because I had a self suicide wish. I have nothing going for me here. Everything I do, nothing."
Why is he telling me this? I think because I'm just here.
"I've been there. I was contemplating going for a while because I needed something in my life that was going to work out. Some focus." I don't know what to tell him. He's obviously reached that point where he wants to talk about life and its many disappointments. He needs words of encouragement. I'm not the right person for this at the moment. He's still talking. He's telling me his life story. "We grew up together, gunshot to the head, September 15, 2010. If I could take his place I would." "I'm sorry," I say softly. I don't have words to make untimely death sound better. "Life isn't fair Matty, I'm so sorry. You know the beautiful thing about life is that it is so fragile. Thats why you cant spend your time thinking about all the bad and focus on the hope that things have to improve at some point. Not because of luck or karma, but just because eventually they have to."
I am trying to convince him of this as much as i try to convince myself. We are sitting in the dark so i cant see him but i can hear him sniffing. He's crying. I get up and find my way to a tissue box and toss it on his bed. "What's this for," he asks. "I heard you sniffling. Its okay." "I have allergies," he lies. "Okay. Well you still need tissues for allergies." If hes going to try and pretend he's fine then i wont embarrass him. He continues to talk. I must admit I'm not really listening. I'm thinking of him again. He's been on my mind for days. Thats why I've been numbing my thoughts with drinks. I've been thinking of him...

Limitless.

The alcohol didn't hit me until i sat down to dinner. I felt odd.  I was either laughing a little too hard and too loud or sitting motionless staring transfixed. I ordered too much food. I wasn't going to eat it, but i ordered it anyway. When my hot tea arrived i poured the rest of the booze i had brought into it and finally started to tune into what everyone was talking about.
"Katie was traumatized by what she saw on her phone." Oh fuck. I know this story. Why are they talking about this? I don't want to hear it. But i have to pretend like oblivious to it. "Everyone knows their dating, I don't know why they deny it. Ive asked her and she still denies it," Edgar laughs. "Well they did at one point who knows if they still are," Matt adds. Yeah they still are. I know its official but i sit in silence staring at my food. Jess gives me a look, she knows something is up and I just shove food into my mouth to silence the scream that almost escaped.
I need to forget that any of it ever happened. I need a distraction. He was my distraction. Too good of a distraction i guess. Well job done, now i need a new distraction... Why is everybody getting up?
"Come on Paulina." Its Jess. "We're going to the movies." I pour the rest of my drink back into the cup i brought and get up.
"So what are we going to do now Jess?" "I dont know. What do you guys want to do guys?" "Movies?" Yeah movies" I dont want to watch a movie. "Hotel?" Jess says. A light goes of in my head. That sounds like a perfectly deviant idea. "Lets go," I smile grabbing her arm. Looks like tonight is going to be a perfect distraction.

Monotony.

Ive reached a place in my life where i just want to be left alone. I dont want to be bothered with what people my age are suppose to be doing. I dont wake up at a reasonable time and i dont sleep at a reasonable time.
Im constantly tired, just tired of everything and everyone. Story of everyones life right.
I hate the people i should love and the love the people i should hate. I realized this late last night and it has honestly kept me thinking since then.
I woke up to knocks on my door. "Paulina, half the day is gone wake up." Its my mom. Ugh. I shove my hand under my pillow and pull out my ipod to check the time. No messages. Its 10am. That is hardly half the day. She always does this. I mumble something about being sick and roll over and stare at the celing until i fall asleep again.
I wake up. Dreams are just another thing i regret. I regret their accuracy and clarity. I stay in bed long after i wake up. Just staring at the ceiling, trying to make sense of everything thats been going on. Trying to figure out what the day might hold in store for me. Its quite depressing if you look around. My room was spotless a few days ago but since i came home ive just been peeling my clothes off, dropping them on the floor and crawling into bed. i dont sleep. I spend most of my time in this room. If you saw it youd probably think all i do is read books, drink tea, light candles and write. Theres a lingering smell of alcohol in the air. Shit i should probably open the windows.
The skys dark outside. The weather is reflecting my mood. Great its going to be one of those days. Oliver crawls out of his bed as soon as he sees im opening the window. He stretches and hops onto my bed and looks out the window. He does this every morning. I think hes hoping that maybe today he will be able to escape through the front door and go play with his friend. Hes been getting out lately. He always comes back. I dont scold him because i feel guilty about the fact that ive been neglecting him so much. Maybe i should walk him, yeah i should. I know i wont.
I check the time again. Shit 3pm 4 new messages. I need to get up and get out of this room.
Downstairs everyone is running around busy doing things, like it really matters. I ignore their good afternoons and scolding looks about the time. They know better than to expect a response. The fridge is empty and the stove is a mess of the evident feast everyone had this morning. Eggs and toast for me it is. As soon as everyone is out of the kitchen i pour some vodka in a mug and make myself some strong peppermint tea. This is the only way im going to make it through today.
I check my ipod. Jess wants to go to a late dinner. I just had breakfast, but i say yes. Maybe she can get me out of this funk. "Is everything okay," she writes. I feel guilty but I cant muster up the energy to be convincing enough to say im fine. "We can talk later, dont worry about it," i reply.
Travis wants to know how my weekend was. Can i even begin to explain what happened? No i cant, plus id rather not get into it with him. "We can talk tomorrow after school," he says. I guess im going to school tomorrow. "Yeah sure."
Showering is always the best part of my day. Ever since Matt and Judy told me about how showering in the dark is more like an experience i decided to try it and ive been stuck ever since. I usually stand there for a long time before i begin to do anything. The water beats all the impurities out of my head.
The mirror is all fogged up. I insisted on showering with the hottest water i could stand. I look in the mirror and see my blurred figure. I feel my body under my wrinkled finger tips and wish i was thinner. I look at my ipod. Shes almost here to pick me up and Mattys with her. Fuck I got to go. Hope it goes well.

Late Night Conversations become Late Breakfast Deliberations.

It seems I have no words left. I’ve been left uninspired to strive. My motivation has been shot because of what I allowed myself to say the night before. I often come close to the edge but thank god she’s there to pull me back.
"It’s not worth it Paulina," she repeats. But I had thought it was. So as she holds me in her arms trying to keep me grounded, my imagination begins to wander on all the possible different reasons as to why last night turned out the way it did. I play out all the scenarios and roads I could have taken. All of the different questions I could have posed, should have posed, to satisfy the ebbing hunger in my soul.
It’s quite comical how put together I can appear to be, while all the while I am in complete shambles inside.  I get up and wipe away the few tears than I had allowed to escape and fix myself up until I look in the mirror and deem that I look as perfect as humanly possible as I can get for the current occasion. It sounds vain. I am aware, but I allow myself this major flaw to make up for the lack of self-esteem I have been feeling of late.
She catches me gazing into the mirror longer than it is deemed normal. "Are you okay?" she asks. I gaze longingly into the mirror one last time. Always looking into my own eyes, searching for god knows what, and then, giving up, I turn to her. "Yeah I’m fine," I say with a faint smile. But she knows the hidden secret because the smile never reaches my eyes. "No you’re not. What’s wrong..." I sigh. Sounding sad and tired, I remember how much she has on her plate at the moment. I feel selfish immediately. She knows me too well. Or maybe I want her to ask me and comfort me. Who knows. "It’s fine Jess. I’m fine." I’m not. We both know it but she's not one to talk because she’s not fine either, but sometimes we don’t like talking about it. I’m sure she senses its one of those times now, so we pretend.
 I pour myself a drink and settle in besides to her and rest my head on her soft shoulder. "I love you," I say. "I love you too," she says.